Saturday, May 16, 2015

Mis-conception on Miscarriage

I've been mulling this over for a few days now as my mind and body have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts on the fallout from a miscarriage that has just 'happened' this week. My 2nd in three years.
Someone I know posted on facebook an article from the brilliant Scary Mommy Blog: http://www.scarymommy.com/blog-2/page/3/And it rang true with lots of my own thoughts and feelings. So, excuse the rambling nature of the post, it is just my own therapy and trying to break down some walls.
Why is miscarriage such a taboo to talk about? Why are women and men taught to keep their feelings to themselves when this happens? 
Statistics show that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, many before the 12 week 'safe'  mark, many before the mother might even know it's happened. I know so many people who have suffered through one or more miscarriage in their lives. In fact, without getting into too much details, I'd say that more of the women I know than not, have had one or more miscarriage in their lives. Sadly I also have a few friends who have had to say goodbye to their little angels at the 5+ and even 9 month mark. I can't even imagine their anguish.
For myself the first miscarriage happened 3 years ago when I fell pregnant, days after knee surgery. I was so focused on my bruised and battered leg that it took me 7 weeks to figure out my clothes weren't fitting and not because I had been on crutches for weeks without exercise, but because I was carrying another life. After the initial shock I was excited and a bit apprehensive about the pregnancy but happy as my husband and I had planned on trying for a second child and had put the plans on hold for the knee surgery.
The weekend before my 12 week scan, we were camping and I started to bleed. It wasn't heavy and dramatic as some people have described, but I knew in my heart of hearts it was not a good sign. We went along to the scan as scheduled and it showed an empty womb, the nurse confirmed what I already knew and said that judging by the size I had lost the baby around 9.5 weeks. As we were leaving for holiday less than 10 days later they agreed to a D&C to clean up my womb as they did not want to risk me hemorrhaging on a intercontinental flight. 
I'll be honest, after the initial shock and sadness I just got on with life and spoke about it to anyone and especially with those who asked if we were "having any more". It wasn't until over a year later that I started grieving. Maybe because my Son was starting school and many of the other mommies around me had a baby in tow, or maybe it was my time to grieve. Either way, I felt like a failure and that my body had let me down. Especially after my first experience with the ultra quick conception and easy pregnancy. It took quite a while to forgive myself for not having that second baby as I had always imagined in my life. And although my husband and I had not used contraception since that first  loss, nothing had happened.
Imagine my surprise when a week after returning from a wonderful family reunion/holiday we found out I was pregnant again!  What?! For over 3 years nothing! Months and years of disappointment and worry. I even had sold the cot bed, buggy and given loads of the baby stuff away thinking it's not meant to be.
I shared with a couple of friends my news, made the appropriate appointments and settled in to the changes that were happening to my body. Being thankful (again) for the lack of sickness and nausea many of my friends experienced in their pregnancies. I started to imagine who this little person might be, how his/her brother and stepsister would react to them. Pink or Blue....
I had just passed the 8 week mark and was out for a mother's day lunch with the family when on a visit to the toilet a horrible reality set in. I was bleeding again and I knew that was it.
I'm a pragmatic person, I know that nature has its reasons and that there was most likely something wrong, but to be able to conceive at 43 and to have no physical problems (in fact I was full of energy and in a positive frame of mind) it seemed like nothing could go wrong. I hate being this statistic, twice. I want to stamp my feet and scream "it's not fair!". 
This may be it, I may just pack it in now and not 'try' anymore, statistically it is unlikely to stick even if it happens again. But I am blessed with a beautiful 5 year old boy, who was conceived within days of trying, a near perfect pregnancy without heartburn or sickness. And although he was delivered through an emergency caesarian, it was a pretty easy natural labour (thank you Yoga!). I also have a beautiful and clever 10 year old stepdaughter who is a wonderful sister to her little brother. I am blessed with my children.
However, I also have friends who have tried every method known to man to conceive with no luck, my heart breaks for them as well. Every time to go in with such hope, and live on the edge of their seats for weeks to so often be so disappointed.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I think this should not be a taboo, this should be something that can be discussed openly without making people feel uncomfortable. Yes it is difficult, yes there is nothing you or anyone else can do to change natures plans, but we should not have to hide in the shadows while our hearts break and mend over our losses. It's OK to say, "I'm really sorry and sad for your loss".
I'll be fine. Mostly because I have a wonderful and supportive family and friends network and I was raised to talk about my feelings and thoughts. I may pause now and then a think of the children who might have been and perhaps even shed a tear to never have known them. 
The next time someone you know miscarries or has a failed fertility treatment, let them know you are there to support them and that they can talk about it or have a shoulder to cry on. Its not contagious, it's just a sad fact of nature. 
Take a Deep Breath and move forward. Blessings.